January 4, 2009

Waiting For the Sun

Generally speaking, a howling wilderness does not howl: it is the imagination of the traveler that does the howling.
~Henry David Thoreau

I've been searching for my light.
I seem to have accidentally lost her.
It started innocently enough. I noticed that she had wandered off, but she does that sometimes.
Then I noticed she hadn't come back and it was getting dark. I was getting a little worried, but she's a big girl...
Then it had been days and she hadn't even called. She was just gone, and the place practically screamed with the absence.
I began to pace back and forth in my mind. Then I began to reassure myself... then the talking turned to worrying, and finally the worrying turned to horror, for surely she must be lying in a ditch somewhere, unable to come home and all of life was falling apart. I didn't know how to live this life... how to take care of these things... what to do!

I was all alone
in a corner
wondering how
how I could have fallen so far
from her grace
and light

because I remembered that last time she was lost it turned out to be me who had wandered away
me who was walking in circles and impossible to find
to rescue
to air lift out of the wild lonely

and I've done it again

chased a thought down a lonely path into the woods and the weeds until I was lost

so now I am sitting, quietly
and waiting
and sending up my little prayers
for her to find me
to catch me in the flood of her light
and lead me back to home
stroking my hair, washing my face, and wrapping all my sharpness in
her soft, sweet heart.

I am waiting for my self
and I know she will find me soon.

If you'd like to sit with me I wouldn't mind.
Nothing like company when you're lost in the woods.

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
~Henry David Thoreau


wilsonian said...

Maybe we can wait together.

Me said...

It so perfectly describes how I've been feeling lately!!

Jane_hates_Dick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jane_hates_Dick said...

I'll sit with you... and from clear over here, I'll reach over and touch your hand.

SailingSimplicity said...

You thoughts speak clearly to people who are chasing an unconventional dream. How easy it is to loose sight of it. To wander away. But its ok to wander away for a bit, as long as you continue to return.

Misty said...

Its the use of the word "wait" rather than something like "seek" that stands out to me here. Perhaps an actionable course of response is not possible at this place in the journey? (((Hugs))) the sun will return! Hang in there.

jenfarmgirl said...

If I were beside you I would say~ Don't worry, she will never leave you. Some day your spirit and your body will be one in purpose, and she is not far away.~ I would give you a squeeze and help you up.

JacQ said...

Oh, my~ We have a little bit of sun shine here in Minneapolis, MN, but the bitter cold seems to make the sunshine even more precious.

This is our first below-zero camping experience, and boy it is definitely a hard thing to do...

Hope you guys are doing well. We should get in touch again to move your new website along.

Sent an email last week, but was not sure if it got through. So I hope dropping a line here, I can catch you~


Zuleme said...

I live in the White Mountains.
It howls.

hippymummy said...

I'd be honoured to hold your hand and keep you company for a while. I watched a film yesterday and Kathy Bates said "You know, even if we're all alone, we're together in that too". You're not alone, there are too many of us sat beside you for that to happen xXX

Anonymous said...

so beautiful...thank you for your care and courage to write and post such thoughts
-caravanserai in canada

Misty said...


You are in my thoughts. I keep thinking about this and wondering how you are doing. I wish you willingness to love and accept the part of you that is "without the light" ...exactly as you are when you are in that place. I think, often, thats the only way to unwind the web and break out of our mental cages. It is when we are not at our "best" or not at are "strongest" that we have the most need for self-approval. Just like with our children, you know. When they are having a hard time, that is when they need our acceptance the most. Nurture yourself. You are a beautiful writer and following your story is a privilege. Hang in there.