takes
more than a few days
and a long long night
-Deb Talan -Big Strong Girl
Steve, Anonymous (see previous comments) I've been thinking the very same thing.
Feeling sad to see the state of my writing, but moreover, the state of my understanding and confidence.
Giving any of myself that still has the room to breathe over to writing, but failing miserably.
I have been struggling. Struggling to find that spirit, not because the pain and the challenges have abated, but despite them.
I've had difficulty though... finding the space to make sense of what is happening...for myself.
I've tried many times and wound up with many half written and senseless posts. Finding it very difficult to write about what I do not yet understand. Trying to describe something which I am still seeing in shadows and blurs... all the while thinking of you. My posts are not intentionally cryptic... simply the best I have been able to turn out... the only words I have found to say, "I am here...I don't know where here is... and I haven't found a door or a light yet, but I am here and I am trying... I am scared... but I am strong...mostly, I am here...don't give up on me"
The last few weeks have felt like Boot Camp... or rather... Navy Seal training. Each day I am amazed that it has gotten more difficult and that I have survived.
But I have. Survived that is. And I am just coming to understand that I am more than surviving... I am succeeding... scaling my obstacles with ninja skill, I just haven't had a space to breathe between obstacles.
I feel like I won't make it, but I do and I'm waiting to understand it, and I will and then boy will I have a story for you, but right now, to me it still looks like this:
1 propane tank needing to be replaced
1 fuel tank needing to be replaced
1 exploded hot water tank
1 rear suspension shot
$500 paid to repair a leak allowing exhaust fumes inside our home... money taken... problem not repaired - need new exhaust manifold
$400 on dental work - due to loss of insurance.
refrigerator repeatedly freezing and ruining a lot of expensive food
months spent trying to get ahead of ice-storms and deep freezes
scammed for money in Atlanta
I'll stop, because it continues like this.
But, this does not touch the spiritual, emotional, life lessons we've been taking on.
I feel like I'm in a hurricane - I think I told you one of these was coming-
and sometimes my house is being shredded and others I am in the eye where everything is still whipping and spinning and can't be made sense of.
And I am doing this alone. Alone because my husband, my partner, the love of my life, is now and has always been, struggling with emotional depths so low that it is all that I can do to hold on to him and not let him slip away, while sheltering my children, being the person that I am with all of my might, so that they feel no fear and know only the strength and safety of their mother.
We are all safe in my powerful warrior hands, and I could, alone, carry each of us through the thickest jungle, but at the end of the day when my loves are asleep and I want to write, to tell you where I am, I struggle to find the words. I wince at the thought of reliving the day and instead slip into bed, hoping that you will wait for me and the stories I will have to tell you.
A week ago I lay down and prayed - I prayed, I begged for help
I asked for a miracle and I made a list and then I waited
I waited to be scooped up, waited to be reminded that I am not alone. Waited for the voice of God, Sam, Universe, the Big I Am to speak to me again. O maybe to be able to listen for it better...
Today, my prayers are being answered. Day by day I am hearing my answers in my own voice and in the words of all those around me. Things are being taken care of and my load is getting lighter so that I have more of myself to give to my partner and my children and simply have more time to breathe.
I'm gaining some space and stillness and in that is comeing the understanding and the power. Like muscles developed between workouts, I am stronger in each breath and each rest and I am grateful for the challenges that allow that growth.
Right now I am resting from one of the biggest challenges of my life. I'm resting and knowing that with it comes the ability to make greater leaps.
I'm with my first soul sister right now. She is shaking me up, dusting me off- poo-pooing my shame, my excuses and my pitiful self worth.
She is being my mirror and not letting me shy away from looking at myself... to see my own strength and again to dare to believe in my own power... that I could have a calling, that I do have a greater purpose... my own understanding that this is God
As me.
That what I am is so much more than this person... this being... this set of circumstance...
That I am the I am behind this being.
I want to say that I am sorry for being so quiet, but I am not.
I am doing my very best in each breath that I take and each time that i reach out to you I giveyou everything that I am able - hoping-
that when I have a lot to give it is enough for you to honor me and wait for me when I am busy trying to gather something new- when I am tired, overwhelmed and confused.
When I understand things it comes to me like Taoist crypticism...
I order to integrate it fully, or begin to think about sharing it, I have to find the aspects of my life, the moments, the lessons, the experiences that joined together to speak this message to me.
It's a chore, it's a task, it's a practice and sometimes I fall flat on my face. I have thrown myself face first into life and all of it's lessons... I am learning the truth, not from the Tao or the Bible, but from experience... from total understanding... from the enlightened moments following the biggest trials.
As I was told today, "Maybe, Aimée, if you told it like it was everyone would see just how strong you are- just how incredible- and then, you would see it too and forget about all the hiding and lame self limiting ideas."
Maybe.
Maybe this is another one of those messages and maybe I have enough experience to listen... to hear the criticism for the love it comes from and appreciate each chance to get it more right. Each chance to be more myself... each opportunity to be messy while I work at it.
Today or tomorrow we get our new fuel tank installed and we order our new propane tank. Then we will head to Ocala, FL for a gathering in the woods, some prayer for peace on earth and an opportunity for more in depth, quiet spiritual practice.
We are feeling a strong pull to be involved in the building of a community, whether or not it is our permanent home. It feels like a beautiful option and wonderful experience to embrace, so like the proverbial monk crossing the stream: We are waiting for our mud to settle and the right action to arise by itself. We are scoping out some communities in the forming stages, talking with people who are coming together ready to take action, and finding the place where we can best apply ourselves.
My 29th birthday, the celebration of the beginning of my 30th year, arrives in 10 days.
For those familiar with the Saturn Return- ;-)
For those who are not, let us just say that it is likely to get very interesting.
I appreciate each of you and every minute that you give by checking in. I appreciate your love and your nudges equally.
I am here, and I am doing my very best. Please just remember that though I write, I am also living each thing which I write about and some of life's lessons are harder than others. The life which we have chosen looks beautiful because I share it through my understanding... because I weave together the moments and infuse them with my song. Writing is an art, and sometimes it takes a few drafts and some time.
For those of you who email me directly, those who worry that I don't have the time... please know that I make the time because your questions and your stories are guidance for me. They help me in as much as I could ever help you.
xoxo
10 comments:
Each post does not have to be a work of art, does not have to be insightful or beautifully illustrate some profound lesson. I'd be happy if all it said was something like this:
(my boss' weekend!) Child #2 barfed so many times on the way to the beach he spent most of his time naked. He barfed in his bed, then ours. Child #1 had her first ice cream headache, and #3 learned to roll over. The car got fixed (too much money) and we can't find a babysitter, and P's mother yelled at his wife for some ridiculous reason. Child #2 has decided he's terrified of snails...etc...
If you can't or don't want to write about what's going on, maybe it's best to write in a diary for awhile, or make the blog private - and take a little pressure off! However, I think your readers want to help you and have a lot of offer if only they knew what was going on.
I have been in relationships clinically depressed myself, and with someone who was - I don't know if that's the case, but I sympathize. It is a terribly difficult thing for both parties.
Have you read the latest post on orangette? It's great - only about cooking, but this time about BAD cooking. Now THAT I can relate to!
GOOD LUCK!
(You are very brave to keep posting, and to read all those comments and leave them for others to see!)
Your pose in that picture is very similar to http://images.google.com/images?q=princess%20of%20disks%20book%20of%20thoth&sourceid=navclient-ff&rlz=1B3DVFA_en___US309&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi her image. coincidence? It gives me the same feel. The kids look great!
much love to you guys!
jess and caleb in RR!
Oh, dear... I feel for you Aimee. Life can be tough on us sometimes, but what doesn't completely beat you down, makes you that much stronger. And later in life, you will have countless stories of how you have over come the tough questions the universe had thrown at you, sometimes you think it was for its own amusement, is to make you live fully. I always tell people, my view of life is – it is a series of trouble shooting and problem solving. Once you stop solving the problems/questions, the world seems to stop spinning, and things start to grow dull... I believe each challenge in life has benefits of building strength and knowledge. I wish you the best to grow stronger and find strength from the love of your family and trust that everything will be alright once you have put your mightiest effort into it.
Happy birthday to you~
Love,
JacQ
Aimée,
I love reading your posts, hearing from you. You are in touch with your own spirit in a way few people are. It is wonderful to get a small window into that, into your soul, when you share your life with us - with me. Never feel alone. I, we, are behind you.
I read a metaphor recently that I liked, and I will share.
Mountain climbers don't climb mountains to get to the top. Once at the top, they snap a couple of pictures and start back down. Mountain climbers climb to enjoy the process. To LIVE with every step. Every step up, every step down.
Life is like climbing a mountain.
Much love and positive energy,
Brandon W
You go, girl! I look forward to your new posts, but I understand that sometimes it's hard to write at the end of a long, hard day. Good luck, and I agree with everything Gwen said. Good luck on your journey through life.
I agree with the commenters above, especially Gwen. Please don't feel that every post has to represent a milestone...I'd just like to follow your day to day life...You are inspirational. I've been following your blog for a while and I have enjoyed your story so much. Thank you for sharing. And I have another metaphor for you
"Smooth seas make lousy sailors"
You will come out of all this so much stronger!!!
Dear Aimee, Why are you apologising when there's nothing to apologise for? I feel that it's a bit unkind that you've been made to feel like you have to explain yourself when you're clearly going through a hard time. None of us are going to sail through life with no problems and we all have different ways of dealing with them.
You have done so many good things and inspired so many people that now it's your turn to need the help and friendship of others, in whatever form necessary,there are i'm sure many people willing to give as much support as we can. I haven't forgotten your wonderful kind words to me when i felt like i was slowly drowning under the pressure of dealing with every day life and will be forever grateful for that. If you need anything, someone to vent to at 3am who is (almost) an impartial adviser or anything else that i can do for you then please don't hesitate to ask. I have lived for years with a partner who suffers from bi-polar disorder and know what a struggle that can be, wanting to help but not having the resources to do so, caring for your family single handed to ease any pressure on them and being almost on your knees with exhaustion and lonliness but not having 5 minutes to yourself to catch your breath. You feel that there are many things that you can't discuss with other people simply bacause they wouldn't understand - how can they when we don't understand half of it ourselves? - and could, with the best of intentions, go down the "pull yourself together, go and do something to take your mind off it" route. would that it could be that simple!
My thoughts and prayers are with you and please, seriously, if there's ANYTHING i can do, don't hesitate to ask xXx
I'm worried. I'm visualizing you dancing. I'm thinking, maybe, your triumphs and your struggles are parts of the cage free story.
Although I'm not sure I would have said this a year ago, my thoughts now are that your struggles do not necessarily mean your life-style choices are wrong for you. And,I think the lack of romanticism is what may be depressing some of your audience.
You have triumphs and so many beautiful moments, and sure those are lovely to read. But, I think that, well, the struggles are a part of the journey (of your story) too.
It might not live up to the fantasy of all your readers, but maybe your story is not so much a romantic one (all the time) but a more realistic one...or sometimes it's a story about love conquering in spite. Either way, its packaged in beautiful writing and touching humanity! However we live, there are struggles. I love you. Hang in there.
Hey Aimee -
I've been reading your blog since I stumbled upon it from the Healing Fibromyalgia youtube video. I had severe bouts of extremely dark depression for about 12 years, so I have enormous empathy for what your husband goes thru. I wanted to share what worked for me since it is natural and completely worked! I super-loaded Methyl B12 (and I took some folic acid to keep my levels balanced). It took me about 6 months of taking 9 pills a day, but I haven't had a cycle of depression since! I'd be happy to give you more details if you are interested.
xo,
Amy
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