Learning to Fly

I've been holding onto this post because I wanted to share some pictures with you, but alas, I can't seem to get my computer to recognize my card reader and access the pictures...

Yesterday afternoon (actually Thursday) Jeff left for a business trip. It is his first in nearly 7 years and he will be gone for two weeks; another first. In 10 years neither of us has gone anywhere for more than a weekend, and those weekends have been few and very far between.

The emotions that I feel are many, as have been the tears; both mine and the kids'. For 10 years Jeff has been my constant partner, as well as my caregiver through many years of illness.

Yesterday was both empowering and frightening, and definitely exhausting. I feel as though it has been months since I have been able to do anything at all. Yesterday I walked with the kids while they rode a pony, squatting over and over taking pictures of their fun. I roasted a chicken, picked it clean and turned the bones into a rich stock. I made a lovely, tangy, sweet beef stew, did some dishes and tended the stock. I brewed sweet, earthy, pepperminty herbal tea and took the green glass pitcher outside with the kids to listen to the chorus of chirping and singing birds. We sipped the chilled tea as the sun teased and warmed, then hid behind the clouds that brought the misty drizzle. I swooned over the buttercups and dandelions the children picked for me and made snacks of apples, bananas, nuts and sandwiches through the day.

I remembered my prenatal vitamins two of the three times and strained the deep colored broth.
I hammered the roasted, simmered bones to let loose the marrow for a 12 hour broth so rich and healing that a single cup transforms the day.

I read a book about Sojourner Truth and talked with Quinn about how incredible and hard won are our rights in the is country. He responded with shock and awe that women, whom he seems to believe a more lovely creature, could have ever been slighted or considered lesser. His power and ambition were stoked with the understanding of the possibility of real involvement in government and was further bolstered by his great- grandmother's obvious excitement about the evening's promising town council meeting.

I woke this morning on little sleep, feeling nervous and spent, but as I write, and Neeka plays at "cutting" my shirt with her play scissors, I feel more ready for the challenges and grateful for the opportunity to grow stronger still... to take care with my body and coax it into the workhorse I want it to be.

There is a giant ball and a yoga mat waiting for me to tend a work my achy hip and crooked back. Standing in the kitchen I continue to remind myself to engage my whole body in the task: "Mountain Pose," I tell myself, "strong and sturdy like those right outside the window." My body listens, thinking of Sojourner, and seeming to whisper that that which does not kill me will only make me stronger, and I believe it.

Someday, soon I will be able to embrace such chores without thought and fear, and someday even sooner my partner will be home again.

This morning after leaving the early morning farmers' market I realized that it has been days since I have been anything more than a little queasy and must now be past the days of morning (noon and night!) sickness. This is a first for me, as it lasted the full 9 months with both Quinn and Nichola, and I am so excited. I have to think that Jeff was correct in believing that there must be a nutritional cure for what I was experiencing and can now look back and see that this overwhelming illness did begin leaving shortly after we arrived in Wisconsin and began with the daily doses of bone marrow broths and long infused herbal teas.


Dream On

Yeah, I know nobody knows
where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life
is in books' written pages
Lived and learned from fools and
from sages
You know it's true
All the things come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it's just for today
...Dream on... Dream until your dreams come true.. .

~Aerosmith

xoxoxo