Peace

We are safe and stable. The last month has been very difficult, but we are finally, it seems, through it.

We were able to get a flight out of O'hare (without our missing luggage) to family in nearby Wisconsin. We have just arrived, but it feels as though we've always been here. Somehow the love and strength allows us to root and relax in any reasonably stable environment. So much has happened that I feel tongue tied (word blocked?) trying to tell you... knowing where to start...

I think what is important now is that we have landed somewhere, as we had been trying so hard to do, that is allowing us to rest and regroup. The children miss the excitement of the hotels and the various games that seem to have been hotel specific (lol) but are happily moving on to new games, sights and friends. Quinn has a friend he made this summer that lives only a block away and they run through the yards dressed as firemen and S.W.A.T. team, having sword fights, riding bikes and just generally having a great time. Nichola is missing him while he is out playing, but we are trying to focus our attention on her and make up for her seemingly lost buddy.

The last two days have been much better for us. I was able to get an appointment with a local midwife immediately and the visit went very well. All are healthy and fine. :-) I have been feeling better the last two days with significantly less physical distress and was even able to roast a chicken last night which Jeff is now busy turning into chicken stock.

Jeff has been able to get some work done and we expect to have a paycheck early next week, which will be wonderful. He has also made calls to local organic farms and stores to get the lowdown on where to get raw milk and meats at a bulk price so that we may begin getting back to our food values and healing our bodies from the stress and poor food over the last couple of months. We have already returned to the lovely healing diet, fermented foods, oils and probiotics that where sustaining us so well in the beginning. The house is filled with the lovely smells of roasting meats, vegetables, and boliling stocks. This morning I was treated again to Jeff's incredible smoothies and sit in a quiet house, able again to write to you, while the kids go to the park with their grandmother.

Yesterday I had a 3 hour interview with the New York Times, during which I was asked to recap the entirety of our journey beginning with the first day, and ending with a question about how I felt now. I don't think I could have answered that question a few hours earlier, but because of the recap I was able to and I felt truly elated and empowered for the first time in what felt like forever.

Things have been so hard, and so unexpected during this last 3 months, but I realize now that not only do we still have everything we had (and wanted) when we began, but we also have things which I value even more, and in the end we are left only with the question of where we would truly like to end up. At the end of it all, we needed only a little room to breathe to discover that we are still happy... still in love... still whole and fundamentally unharmed... in the end we are stronger and closer than ever before. We overcame obstacles that, now that we have caught our breath, have shown us just how capable and strong we are. Whether or not we asked for them, we overcame them and we proved to ourselves that it was possible. I think that we do now know the difference between want and need, which is all we really wanted in the first place. The task of finding and setting up a home seems like a privilage and an excitement... full of opportunities.

Mostly, what I would like to say though, is Thank you. Thank you for the emails, thank you for the offers, the help and the boost we needed through that last moment of difficulty.
Thank you for all of the support and the release of laughter and tears when we needed it the most.
Thank you for making us feel surrounded by love and so far from alone that the world seemed to simply open back up for us.

I have wondered since becoming a parent, what it is exactly that I am here to give my children. I think it is strength of spirit. I think it is the understanding that their souls and their hearts are truly unmarrable. I could not possibly know what the future holds for the children of this world. We, none of us, know what's coming for us, but we can know that life is a gift. Love is true purpose, and deep inside of us there is already a being which is stronger than anything this world has to give. I think what I have to give my children is the peace which comes from knowing... feeling... the power of that spirit within... from knowing that unbreakable part of ourselves that will allow us to walk through the trials we choose and those we never would...

The part of us which can find peace and even a moment of understanding and calm during our most difficult times.
There came a moment for me when I finally, truly, understood that if everything in the world were taken away, and I found myself on the corner with my family, that ours is a family that would still have games, hugs, I Love Yous and triumph in the end. The the waters of the soul run deep and calm in any storm.

I also learned (and this is, secretly, my biggest lesson so far)... It is okay to ask for help and that difficult moments and trials are not a reflection of my inadaquacies, but rather platforms for me to work my strengths... to flex my muscles.

Moments for me to know that if there is no ground beneath me, it is simply my time to learn to fly.

I love you all so much, and I feel as though I cannot possibly thank you enough for the support you have given and the mirrors I needed to see some of these things for myself. Thank you for showing me a beauty that I was not looking for.

xoxo