Recommitment
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 Edit This 10 Comments »
All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry -- all forms of fear -- are caused by too much future and not enough presence. guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence. Most people find it difficult to believe that a state of consciousness totally free of all negativity is possible. And yet this is the liberated state to which all spiritual teachings point. It is the promise of salvation, not an illusory future but right here and now.
- Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
If you think you are enlightened, try spending a week with your parents.
-Eckhart Tolle
You may have noticed this already, but I'm not the Buddha, or even the Dali Lama. Hell, I'm not even profoundly along my spiritual path. I'm very simply walking it with all the presence that I can in each moment.
Two steps forward, one step back, a leap ahead, a fall down a cliff...
It's a treacherous and tricky road. Millions of books have been written on the subject.
I have been aware, all along, that at some point during our two month visit with my mother I began to lose what was a pretty strong grip on presence. My mind began to chatter, old wounds began to sting, brand new ones were being dealt with. I failed in my belief that because I had accepted and understood past injustices that I would immediately accept and understand new ones... that my ego mind had been resolved enough to not regain power and ability to dig into past pain. It lies also in believing that forgiveness is for anyone but myself. It is not a gift to another, it is a right to myself.
There are so many things that I understand on the rational, cognitive and even spiritual level.
Making them an immovable agreement is another matter. Profound spiritual enlightenment does not simply happen to most of us. Most of us have to work on it and will continue to work on it until the day we die and then pick it up again in the next life. Though I would like to hope for better outcome than that, I still accept that learning, grieving, healing, are signposts along the path. In our pain exists our lessons. Sometimes, however, these lessons seem more like uncrackable koans than obvious points. There are no Cliff's notes and even renowned gurus fail sometimes.
Today I am both giving myself space to be human, and also reassessing the truth of my commitment to spiritual growth. Sometimes making excuses is too easy.
Today I recommit myself to my values, my family and myself.
- Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
If you think you are enlightened, try spending a week with your parents.
-Eckhart Tolle
You may have noticed this already, but I'm not the Buddha, or even the Dali Lama. Hell, I'm not even profoundly along my spiritual path. I'm very simply walking it with all the presence that I can in each moment.
Two steps forward, one step back, a leap ahead, a fall down a cliff...
It's a treacherous and tricky road. Millions of books have been written on the subject.
I have been aware, all along, that at some point during our two month visit with my mother I began to lose what was a pretty strong grip on presence. My mind began to chatter, old wounds began to sting, brand new ones were being dealt with. I failed in my belief that because I had accepted and understood past injustices that I would immediately accept and understand new ones... that my ego mind had been resolved enough to not regain power and ability to dig into past pain. It lies also in believing that forgiveness is for anyone but myself. It is not a gift to another, it is a right to myself.
There are so many things that I understand on the rational, cognitive and even spiritual level.
Making them an immovable agreement is another matter. Profound spiritual enlightenment does not simply happen to most of us. Most of us have to work on it and will continue to work on it until the day we die and then pick it up again in the next life. Though I would like to hope for better outcome than that, I still accept that learning, grieving, healing, are signposts along the path. In our pain exists our lessons. Sometimes, however, these lessons seem more like uncrackable koans than obvious points. There are no Cliff's notes and even renowned gurus fail sometimes.
Today I am both giving myself space to be human, and also reassessing the truth of my commitment to spiritual growth. Sometimes making excuses is too easy.
Today I recommit myself to my values, my family and myself.
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10 comments:
Wonderful post!
how I look at it is to remember it is those memories that has made you the person and mom you are today. Without those experiences you would be someone else....
Two months?! Given your recent post about your childhood, I'm amazed that you had a 2-month visit with your mother. Did she stay with you or vice versa?
About forgiveness ... yes, it is for no one but yourself. Especially if the person who wronged you has not repented and changed their ways. Remember that re-parenting yourself means keeping yourself safe from harmful (physically or emotionally) people.
Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean you have to accept her into your home. That's not unloving, it's tough love, refusing to enable her meanness.
My 2 cents. You and your family continue in my prayers. Blessings for Christmas!
I'm learning a new way to look at similar memories...with my cognitive filter OFF.
Those memories were created, and feelings imprinted, when I didn't have the gift of hindsight or wisdom gained as an adult.
It's harder to appreciate, nurture and validate those feelings without 'explaining them away due to circumstances'...but it's highly necessary because the child-me didn't know or understand those circumstances...I only FELT the very real feelings.
I haven't quite learned how to accept that yet...my thinking brain wants to rationalize EVERYTHING...but it's time I stop dismissing those old hurts as "trivial" things I "should be over by now" because every time I do that...I invalidate them...which only makes them radiate louder.
Hugs
I'm up to day 4 with my parentals. They do challenge the enlightenment. Family love is complicated.
Thank you for posting this. It is exactly what I needed today to bring me back to the now.
i feel for u! i'm going thru the same thing right now only mine is a year. embarrassing i know. lol. it's truly hard but i guess that is what let's us know what we still have to do and learn. if nothing ever happened to challenge our growth we'd never have to change or see how far that we've come. i'm failing at the moment...lol...hope ur doing better. i only have 2 more months at my inlaws so hopefully i can teach myself a little bit bfr i leave! :) at least we know that we're not alone!
Hey Aimee, could you drop me an e-mail elfimka @ gmail.com, I just realized I don't have your e-mail address and I really need to ask you something.
Hope your day is blissful, Merry Christmas, love you guys!
Elya
Hey Aimee, could you drop me an e-mail elfimka @ gmail.com, I just realized I don't have your e-mail address and I really need to ask you something.
Hope your day is blissful, Merry Christmas, love you guys!
Elya
Catching up here as a fellow mom of three (congrats!) and wife of many years... I have admired your relationship with your husband as you have shared it through your writing and frankly am scratching my head about a comment of "years" of marital difficulty? (I don't recall the exact description.) Marriage IS hard, as anyone knows who sticks it out through love-thick and -thin. I would love for you to share anything you would like to about that in future posts. You are helping so many in their journeys, and have such a way with attaching words to your feelings and experiences. Thank you. And Merry Christmas to you and Yours!
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