On Being Open

Have you ever felt like crying for no reason at all? Ever been going along, doing and thinking nothing of particular importance and felt the tears rising up beneath the surface of yourself?

I can't say that this is a common occurrence for me, but it has happened several times over the past week and a half. I have wondered at the source of this feeling, this bubbling up of... something...

I've wondered at what the feeling actually is. It's as if I accidentally tapped a deep well and the feeling is just swimming... bubbling up. It doesn't really feel bad... urgent or painful... instead it feels more... like a release.

For the past two weeks I have been taking an online course on Dreaming Big called Mondo Beyondo. It has really challenged me to get back in line with the things which I already know to be true, but have over the past year let slip into a forgotten corner, through assignments, activities, community discussion and powerful validation. It has given me something that I needed in order to remember who I am and what I am capable of. It has given me the permission that I needed to be more gentle with and tolerant of myself. It has given the space and confidence that I needed to begin to open up again and be amazed at how the Universe pays me back for that trust.

So, I am glad for those tears that haven't yet made it to the surface. I'm relieved at the promise, open to the process, and look forward to the day that I will let them spill down my cheeks with the release that I have been longing for.

Dreaming Big is not something that I struggle with to be sure, but remaining open to the process of manifesting them, maintaining trust in the Universe to provide me with what I need, and believing in my own worth and unique path is something that I can use help with.

I haven't yet found the courage to post my Mondo Beyondo list, but while working it into a list of categories including being vulnerable, brave, open, flexible and trusting, I recognized that one dream (a comparably small one) was showing up in every category: Having Close Friends.

I wasn't actually surprised by this. You see, I have a lot of friends. There are many people to whom I could turn in crisis and need... but there are no people to whom I turn on a regular basis. There are none who are allowed into my daily life, my regular joys and defeats, none to whom I turn to share my common disappointments or deep fears, exciting news or profound discoveries. There is no one but family who has my home phone number and few who know things such as my birth date or that I am all but blind without my contacts.
And it is entirely my fault. You see the things listed above... the things which are utterly required for such friendships (vulnerability, trusting, openness...) these things are terrifying to me when it comes to interacting with other people.

I have spent years carefully isolating myself from such situations of openness... all the while feeling the isolation... apparently waiting for one of those people that have offered themselves freely to come bust down my door. It is a dream that I seem to wear near enough to my surface that I attract people with ease... I just completely fail to allow them the connection that I was advertising.

So, one of my first Mondo Beyondo acts of trust lies there. I am making a promise to myself and beginning to unlock the doors and ready myself to let those people in... along with each and every new love.

It's about time I learned how to use the phone again. I think I will start there.

And here's to you for all of the love, encouragement, constructive criticism, and offerings of virtual companionship that you have given over the past two years. Thank you for lessening that feeling of isolation.

xoxo