January 10, 2012
** Manifest **
Photo courtesy of Whitney Martin
One of the things which my recent releasing was meant to make room for is a tribe of 'gurus'. I have had this on my heart for a long time, but it has always been coupled with the quiet idea that it wasn't time because I didn't have it in me to give the time outside of my home and family yet. Not a very powerful way to manifest something. This year it was a deep call to the Powers That Be to help me manifest that thing which I so desire, and boy has that call been answered. It has been less than two weeks and I find myself surrounded with compelling, dynamic, successful men and women. The startling, and disquieting realization was that, though I recognized these people immediately as the 'guru mentors' I had been waiting for, each of them counts me coequal.
There is a repetition and sameness in the underlying message in each of our conversations, and oooh, is it one that makes me writhe and try to turn away on the inside. Some are more blunt than others... it's a personality thing. I imagine one whistling a at me - tough Jersey style - 'Yo! Whadda ya doin? Get ta work! Stop with all the mansy pansy 'oh, wah, who am I?' Crap and do what you were put here to do!'
Then for comfort I turn to another who strokes my hair with sweet lovey words, and brings me around to see a glimpse of what they see, 'See, Hon? It's you already. This is a gift. Not only do you really want it, not only were you meant to do it, but you already are. See sweetie, it's all good. No worries. Just do your thing.'
It makes me laugh right out loud. They each give me this lovely gift too... a glimpse of what I'm not seeing in them... a human imperfectness... they let me see their own struggles, their own perceived failures. They take the pain, the power sucking shame, from my own 'failures', and let me stumble forward feeling like I can breathe again... feeling the truth of my dreams again.
Just like that I have my tribe, and I can feel more coming. I can feel more waiting for me to stop resisting, stop running, and really settle into my space so that I can receive them. It's a feeling so strong, of such power, that I have been mistaking it for many months... truly it's been coming on for years. Power like that, stifled, feels like panic. It's not fun. It's been coursing into me and I have been plum refusing to let it flow out of me in some creative effort. Like I've been sitting on my hands - 'nope, not gonna do it - gonna just sit here and suffer it instead.'
It's so human. It's not really like me though. That kind of fear, self-doubt, and refusal to roll with inspiration is not my style. Another of those things I had pointed out to me recently.
My whole life is a series of powerful decisions, followed by certain and efficient action, equating to success at that venture. Yet, here I have been sitting with the things I want to do more than anything else... ideas that are more flushed out than any I've ever had, and I stuff them and hide them under the mattress 'for protection' and wonder why I can't sleep. It all feels so comical suddenly. So obviously and totally silly.
The big message that everyone is carrying for me: Stop looking for teachers and realize that you already have all that you need to teach those very subjects. You lack CONFIDENCE and reality, not credentials.
A 3 kid + husband meltdown caused me to lose the thought I believed was my end point here, but as I sat trying to draw it back to myself I instead wound up with a head full of all of the powerfully inspiring women who have come into my life that have not been able to connect with me because I assume that they would not want to. Translation -they offer themselves up and I respond with an impersonal wimpy reply so as not to 'overstep my place.'
Yeah, 2012 is my year of confidence and focused work. It's my year of Achievement. Even if fear caused me to delete that statement and wince as I retyped it. ;-)
Ah, Lovlies, I know you are out there. Even when you don't let me hear you. ;-)