February 4, 2014

-: Understanding :-

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Hey everyone,

So, I’ve been quiet a long time.  To be honest I think I was waiting to see if I could just drift quietly away from this space.  I wasn’t sure if it mattered to me, and I honestly didn’t think it mattered to anyone else.  Y’all are a quiet bunch, but I get that.  I’m quiet too.  I forget that you’re out there, though.  I really do.  And I’m sorry to everyone whose emails went unanswered this year.  I thought that my answer would come to me.  I thought I would figure out what to say and get back to you a little late, but that I would get there.  So, that didn’t work. 

I’m really sorry to the ones who pushed past language barriers to reach out and I dropped the ball.  I’m really sorry to those who poured out their hearts, apologizing all the way because they didn’t 'know me' - which made me laugh every time, because, of course you do, in a way, ‘know me’, because I do the same thing here.  For years.  Some of the people I have met in person, because of this space, know me better than my own family.  My very best friendship is a result of this space - a friendship that I have relied heavily on this year.  As I write this I realize that I am sorry that I’ve neglected this space.  I’m sorry that I forgot you were out there.  I’m sorry that  I so misunderstood the value of this space for me that I thought it had none.  I’m sorry for what that said to me about me.  I’m sorry about what that said to me about my art, my value, my needs.   

The thing is that I have wanted to fill this space again.  I have gone through periods where it is all that I thought about.  It became painful.  The more I thought about it the more I couldn’t touch it, the more paralyzed I felt.  I was deeply fearful that it had no value at all. No meaning. No purpose.  I was deeply fearful that the thing which brought me joy, and was immensely important to me, was pointless and without value.   So I waited to figure out if there was a reason to do it before I would allow myself to do it.  Everything I wanted to write was scrutinized.  What is the great purpose of this??? I would ask myself, and of course it never measured up to a ‘great purpose’ (what IS that?) - looking flat and lifeless instead.  So when people started asking, I started saying, “I don’t know.  I just don’t have anything to say.”  Then I started telling myself that.  “I just don’t have anything to say.”  Which is nuts of course.  My family went through a huge, scary transition this year, and back again.  Many aspects of our life could have changed, but we went through the process of combing. through. it. all. and making conscious choices about what kind of life to lead – again.  I’ve been brutalized by my health for years and haven’t spoken of it once.  Babies have become little girls.  Little boys have become tweens.  Marriages have threatened to implode under the weight, only to solidify more than ever.  Friends have been made, lessons learned, exciting things have happened.  What does it say to me when none of this has meaning?  It says that I, as a person, have no purpose.  No value.  No point.  Yes, many nights of sobbing to this effect were had.   I’m probably not done with that.  I almost wrote that I was, but then the statement made me recoil inside, so yeah, not done with that, yet.  I’d like to promise that I’ll show up more often.  That I’ll keep writing, but I can’t.  I don’t know.  I have files filled with things I’ve written.  Notebooks strewn, and lost, about the house with things that absolutely had to be committed to paper amongst the scribbled kid drawings.  I’d like to share them.  I would.  It would feel so much better than this, but there is still a part of me that is writhing in uncertainty and tells me to find something useful to spend my time on. 

My domain is set to expire this month, and I was going to let it.  I had decided that the uncertainty was actually certainty.  I got a letter just now asking for a ‘the end’ post, and I came here to write one.  Halfway through I panicked and asked Jeff if CFF expired already.  It didn’t.  It’s not going to yet.  I don’t know if I’ll use it, but I still want to.  I’m really sorry to everyone who went without a reply.  Your messages meant a lot to me.  Often they came at a time when I really needed them, and I should have told you that instead of waiting to figure out how to answer you. 

I’m still here.  I’m okay.  Life is actually really sweet.  Somewhere along the way, after Simone was born, I stopped taking care of myself.  I let slip every thing I ever did to live pain and sickness free, and bit by bit those things consumed my attention, while I battled my worth, and thus, my right to be cared for.     Messed up stuff y’all.     Messed up stuff I didn’t realize I was doing because I wasn’t allowing myself my number one outlet for conscious examination – writing.  It’s amazing what kind of garbage you can make yourself believe, but for some reason I can’t lie on paper, so yeah… double edged sword there. No outlet, no truth. Deny writing and I have no idea what’s really going on.  Avoid my friends and I don’t have to hear it out loud either.  Do both together and confirm your own pointlessness.      Messed up stuff y’all.       If anyone ever needed to get their ass to the page, it was me.  Is me.  When I don’t read and write I have no idea who I am.  When I don’t read and write I can’t even breathe deeply. I stop moving.  I think I fall a little bit asleep.  Or maybe a lot.  A lot asleep.   I have enough sense to hold my life in proper limbo – looks great from the outside! – but I take myself out of it.  Maybe I don’t need you guys.  Maybe it doesn’t matter at all, but  -   I think I do, and it does.  To me anyway.  It matters to me, and I think that maybe I’m getting that that is enough.    I’ve been really, really lost you guys.  Unable to comprehend what happened to me.  Thinking that the person I remembered… seemingly so recently… must have been exaggerated in my mind.  But I think I used to shine, and I think now, that it was not so complicated to let that happen.  So here’s hoping that maybe I can shake the stink off, heal the neglect all up, and breathe again.  Maybe I’ll find that the shining happens on it’s own then. 

I’ve had a few truly hermetic years in my life.  This is definitely one of them.  They’ve always been about integration and transmutation.  Right now I’m deeply drawn to a space that I was in when I was  15-17.  A deep certainty of self, and deep respect and connection to my art, a deep, deep self love and fearlessness of experienced emotion.

Did you know that Pearl Jam has their own XM station?  All Pearl Jam, all the time, my friends.  LOL  This is beautiful to me.  I love it.

Right now I’m really loving this song again.  It's hooked something and is pulling hard. What can I say?  I was a teenager in the early 90s.  Pearl Jam will always live amongst Zeppelin, Floyd, and The Who for me.  Townshend and Waters agree, so that's good enough for me ;)  It's a breakup song, of course, but it feels like a message to a former self that I feel abandoned by, whilst knowing full well that I was the one who bailed. 


 
Do you understand?  Have you been to this place?  Did you find the exit?

21 comments:

funnyfacejess said...

I've missed you. I understand your struggle, though. Do what's best for you. Your journey helped me begin my own several years ago, so this blog has a fond spot in my heart.

Karen said...

Glad to see you back. I missed hearing about your struggles and successes. Hang in there.

globeonmytable said...

Yes, but I find I can't remember it, just that it did happen. A protective mechanism. Anyway, hallo :)

Each time has been different. Different things helped, many, many things helped, continue to help.

I made a list once of the helps, it was 3 pages long! I have more to add to that list now.

meli said...

This year has been a dark and difficult year for me and this blog...your words have been some of the strongest most guiding for me when I was unable to reach out and ask for guidance.When I needed a mental escape I could read posts with pics of your peaceful home to offer up decorating ideas for mine , when I thought I was going to collapse with the pain and exhaustion of autoimmune disease I looked for help through your words, when money stopped coming in and I was struggling to feed my kiddos knowing that others had gone through and how you coped helped so much. I was so worn out with worry to speak the words of how bad things were, it was more than I could bring myself to do , but I was able to read or reread posts you had written and walk myself through the hardest parts...now life has started to fall into place I am working again , housing is safe again, and our new normal is starting to take shape.
Thank you so very much for your words.I had no idea how to write this as I have never commented before but have been reading since ...well I think pretty close to the beginning..I remember the garage sales and then donating the rest post.

Thank you so very very much for sharing as you do.
Melissa.

cheris said...

Wow... I was just thinking about you. Glad you're back.

Bon vivant said...

How timely. I just went searching for your blog the other day wondering what happened. Welcome BACK! I missed you!

instinctualmama said...

I'm new. I found you not long ago through Families on the Road. We are hoping to begin that chapter of our lives soon, and I wanted to learn from families who had been there. I found a lot more on your blog. In some ways your story reminds me of us (and myself) very much. In some obvious ways, with your interest in natural birth, health, and living. I also have a chronic illness (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome). I completely understand the challenge of balancing your own physical and mental health against caring for your family.
I had noticed that this and your other site were outdated, but I found that you were active on Pinterest, so I followed you there. Today I saw something you pinned, and decided to check CFF, just on the off chance you updated after all this time. I am thrilled to see that you have!

I completely understand the need to withdraw. Honestly, I've dipped my toe into blogging a few times, only to find that it made me feel too exposed. I often even withdraw from things like Facebook, Pinterest, and other social networking sites. Sometimes this is a good thing. A chance to focus on myself and my family. Other times I think it can be a sign that I am feeling down, and lost.

Anyway...my point is that I have gotten a lot out of your site, and if it happens that you desire to post more, I would be excited to read it.

Tara said...

Glad to see you back. I wanted to say that I understand your need to step back from your blog and yet your need and desire to write at the same time. I stumbled across your blog when I lived in NM and now we aren't there anymore and your blog has been a thread to help connect me to a beloved place. Your journey and thoughts have helped many. Even in the imagined void of silence. Don't be fooled. Yours is a light that shines brighter than you know. However, sometimes we each evolve and stepping back to see what has become and what is now is not a failure. It's a recognition of growth. Selfishly I hope you continue this blog or at least continue to leave it up. It's a wonderful read. But I have a blog I left hanging too-I stepped away and now I'm not sure I can go back. I'm in an entirely different place and I've grown and changed. Perhaps that's part of what is going on with you? Either way-don't abandon your art but also don't feel compelled to hold onto something if it is no longer right for you.

Tara said...

Glad to see you back. I wanted to say that I understand your need to step back from your blog and yet your need and desire to write at the same time. I stumbled across your blog when I lived in NM and now we aren't there anymore and your blog has been a thread to help connect me to a beloved place. Your journey and thoughts have helped many. Even in the imagined void of silence. Don't be fooled. Yours is a light that shines brighter than you know. However, sometimes we each evolve and stepping back to see what has become and what is now is not a failure. It's a recognition of growth. Selfishly I hope you continue this blog or at least continue to leave it up. It's a wonderful read. But I have a blog I left hanging too-I stepped away and now I'm not sure I can go back. I'm in an entirely different place and I've grown and changed. Perhaps that's part of what is going on with you? Either way-don't abandon your art but also don't feel compelled to hold onto something if it is no longer right for you.

Wildfire said...

Hmmm... I was watching some Abraham Hicks videos for inspiration, and had a feeling out of the blue to check on Cage Free Family.. I totally understand where you are coming from regarding this.. I am hitting the same wall now.. It is not fun by any means..I have been bursting into tears for two days straight.. and I am questioning my whole life, and what I am doing, where I am living, and where I want to go next and what is it all about.. Am I living authentically.. what do I need to do now.. Not fun!!!! I think these feelings are deep and there is discontent..but the discontent is pointing to profound change.. Leaps have to be taken.. not just steps.. things avoided need to be recognized, and to be taken out of the dark into the light to be examined and let the changes flow.. when we are not flowing we are not in sync with our own power.. it is so important to have flow and joy.. and a lack of it is so indicative of stagnation.. so.. I hope we both cross the bridge and take the challenge and don't close down.. and let the flow happen.. and let growth and change occur.. I do not think any of us realize how much we mean to others, and your forum has been such a comfort at times.. nice to see you back .. and sharing your feelings.. hard to do when the feeling is emptiness.. Even sharing that you are lost helps others who are feeling the same relate, and know they are not alone.. Blessings to you...

Misty said...

This is one of the most tranquil places on the web for me. I have checked frequently for your posts. A few of your words have stuck with me...almost recalled daily. It is comforting to read of others walking through similar struggles. I know the idea of misery loves company, yet what resonates through the shared misery is that shared struggles bring about greater hope. You are an inspiration to me. I would miss you terribly if you left this space .

Dorothy said...

I'm glad you're still here. I hope you stay.

Brandon Brown said...

Understand? Yes… A constant cycle of never ending self-discovery and self-worth evaluation.

Have you been to this place? Yes… Some places graced me with their presence far too often (still learning), while others places I have visited only once. Vowed that I would never return and hardened the heart to the point of numbness.

Did you find an exit? Yes. As soon as I accepted that an exit is nothing more than a transition to what’s next. That the choices I make and life I choose to live is 100% mine to make. When we are young, it’s about the quest to experience something great. Teenage induced emotions make everything feel so grand and intense. As we age, we all look back at those days wanting the same intensity but with a more defined and distinguished purpose. If one every finds it in true form, they should go after it.

Write the blog for you and no-one else. Though it has been great to hear your story and the parallels and events in our lives have been both creepy and delightfully reassuring to hear. And yes the all Perl Jam station is quite cool ;) There are many of Perl Jam songs in my “feel something” play list.

A long time reader and admirer in your pursuit

Bottling Moonlight said...

I'm so glad you posted. I've worried about you, and I know I'm not alone. I completely understand the need to take a break or make a complete break. Do what is best for you. But know that there is a whole community of people rooting for you.

Jessica Ann said...

Happy you are back. xx

SedonaMichelle said...

Gosh, have I missed your posts! So happy to see another from you. I'm impressed by how aware you are of yourself and your needs - and then able to pursue what feels most true for you.
I would be sad to see you go. Your blogs have been so inspirational to me and I've loved being one of your cheerleaders!
I've often read CFF posts and thought that you really need to write a book. That your wisdom and clarity could be cathartic for you and healing for others. Think about it!
Best of luck and happiness with everything. I'm buying a piece of property up in Taos soon - it would be lovely to spy you in a coffee shop one day. I promise to say hello! xoxo

everythingiseventual said...

Never doubt your self worth. Remember you were a twinkle is someones eyes once.The memories I have of you pull the small out my face. You were my guiding light in an era of darkness. You may not think you matter or what you do matters but it matters more than you think.You left a permanent mark on my heart. You touched my soul. I will always be grateful for having met you.You do matter.

mary penny said...

Just found your Google+. Hope I can read more from you. Thanks

pqpigg said...

I have a business that is successful. I also have a documentary movie that is half made. I started to edit and somehow I got lost. Didn't seem like it had a purpose. I though it did in the beginning 3 years ago. Traveled literally half way around the world to film. Then, yeah, it seemed like a ...waste? ...confused..not goos enough...yep. Sound familiar? So writing filming, creating can really bring up a lot of fear(s), uncertainty, and the deepest of all, self doubt. Thanks for your writing. I started editing today.

megg said...

I was just thinking about you & wondered how you were doing, so I came to check. I get it - all of it! And whatever you do, I'm sending you love.
Megg

morganna said...

I miss your posts when you are silent. I know how hard blogging and writing are, I have a neglected blog of my own. I hope you come back here again sometime soon.

There is much more that I want to say, but I guess it comes down to hoping that you and your family are well.